dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
