Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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