im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize