I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
