On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
