theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
