is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
