i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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