just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize