My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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