Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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