I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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