I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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