Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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