i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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