Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
