when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
