You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
