I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
