He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
