he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize