thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
zippers are such a cool invention
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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