Even the bartender felt bad for me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
