Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
