Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
