btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
