Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
