Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
this is an emotional support booty call
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
