your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
