When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
