Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
