It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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