i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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