Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
