Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
