First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize