You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
