my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
