Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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