he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
