How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
