There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
