So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
