God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
