I am midnight drunk by noon
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
