summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
His hands were made for my vagina.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
