you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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