If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, beer. Big fan.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
