Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
