Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
