i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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