2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
