Little spoons don't ask big questions
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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