dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
