I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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