I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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