i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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