My balls are so social today.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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