I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
