Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
