you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
