She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
