My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
