The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
