I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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