I'm so fucking centered right now
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
