tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's never too late to be topless.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
