I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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