They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
