when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
