How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
