if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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